


Giving up

by Ducklingxkitten



Series: Dear lost brother [2]
Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Letter, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:57:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8175872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ducklingxkitten/pseuds/Ducklingxkitten
Summary: With each passing days, Yutaka is slowly losing hope, losing another dear person.





	

_May 5, 1999._

Dear Yuu, 

It's been two months since my last letter. Nothing really changed here at home, mom and dad are still the same, they're still pressuring me into attending a law school, they're still avoiding to say your name. In a nice conversation I mean... I'm not going to tell you all the mean things they said about you, it hurts enough to just think again about them. It hurts too much.

I saw dad yesterday throwing a box in the rubbish bin, a box I remember was yours. So when they were sleeping, I sneaked out and brought the box back in my room. Do you know what was hidden in it? Pictures. Pictures of you. When you were a baby, you playing in the sand, you holding me in your arms when I was only three. The most recent picture I found in the box was the one mom took at your 16th birthday while you were blowing the candles, me sitting on your lap. Your smile was so beautiful on that day, but I remember it was the last time I saw you smile so brightly.

Everything changed between the three of you a few days after your birthday. I wonder what happened. I have my toughts, but I'll tell you them later. Before your birthday, our parents were so kind to you, helping you when you were feeling bad about yourself, helping you when you were struggling at school. At least that what I thought, but I was little, I couldn't understand what you adults were saying. I couldn't see it was that bad, I couldn't help you. You needed someone, I bet I wasn't very helpful... I'm sorry. Sorry to be too young and stupid and blind. I should have seen how hurt you were.

I need my big brother now. If only I knew where you are... Are you still alive? Are you feeling well? Are you happy? I hope you are not crying right now. The last time I saw your tears broke my heart. Do you remember? Dad had been shouting at you for around ten minutes, and you said nothing, only standing in front of him with your fingers turning white. I followed you to your room and then I saw them. Do you remember how tightly I hugged you? I was only six and I knew you were deeply hurt. I still managed to make you smile as I was playing with your hair. Are you still keeping them long?

Kouyou has long hair too, sometimes they remind me of you when I stroke them. Things... changed between us. We've always been close since childhood, he's my best friend and is always near me when I need him. Especially now that you're not here with me. I told him everything, how I feel, my fears, that maybe you won't come back not even for me, that maybe you've forgotten me for real. Kouyou is reassuring me a lot, and I want to believe him when he's saying that it's not the case, that you're still thinking about me, but it's hard to believe his words when you're not even trying to contact me. You know, we're still living in the same house, you could come whenever you want. They don't have to know we're in touch again. But that's impossible I guess, right? I'm glad I have Kouyou, I don't know what I would have done without him.

I said things changed between us. It happened last month. I was at my lowest, I was barely eating, barely sleeping, only crying every day because I miss you and need you right now so damn much... but Kouyou was there, he's trying his best to cheer me up every day, reminds me to at least drink some water during the day. It happened naturally. We were in his bedroom, I was crying in his arms for the umpteenth time and his grip around my body was so tight I felt safe and I could do nothing else than hug him as strongly as he was. He kissed me. He kissed me when I stopped crying, he kissed my neck, he kissed my cheeks wet with all the tears I had shed, and as I was looking at him in his eyes, he kissed my lips. He made me feel things I never felt before, with anyone and we didn't care. We didn't care if it was right or wrong. For the first time I remembered what it was to feel loved. It's strong, it hurts, it makes me feel good, and it scares me. Because it's new to me, I didn't know what to do, but the thing I was certain about was that he would never hurt me and I would love to share all these new feelings with you, but you're not here. I can't ask you for advices or even tell you how happy he makes me... Where are you?

We've started dating after that day. We were happy Yuu, even though he could see me cry because of your absence, we were truly happy. He made me smile again, and I can see how much he loves me and cares about me. His eyes aren't lying when he's looking at me and I do believe him when he's telling me all these things that make me blush.

But everything is collapsing right now, we made a mistake and I'm losing him... Dad surprised us. He said nothing when Kouyou walked beside him when he left the house, anxious to let me with him, scared of what would happen next. Dad was livid and if he could have been able to kill him, I think he would have. I was so scared on that day, I didn't know what to do or say. It took them three days to talk to me again.

They're going to send me to a school for... problematic teenagers, to cure my problem and guess what? Yes, a religious one. They say it's just a phase, and they're sending me there just to be sure everything's alright with me, that I'm going to come back 'normal'. Their attitude toward me after this made me think, and you know how traditional they are, and I might know now why they disowned you and kicked you out. Is it possible? Is it because of this? Because we're different? Because we might be... abnormal? A mistake? Sick?

I'm leaving on Sunday. I don't want to go, I don't want to lose someone else, I don't want to lose Kouyou, I don't want to lose the only one who's caring for me because apparently you're not. If you really were caring for me, we would be together at this exact moment! But we're not. Are you hiding? Am I nothing to you? You're my big brother, you've promised me to always protect me so where are you?! Can't you guess I need you?! Don't worry, someone else is doing it. I told you, Kouyou's the only one. He is everything I have... and I'm losing him. Because of you. 

I'm going to try to sleep now. I don't know if I would have time, or be in the mood to write another letter. It's no use anyway, I can't send them. Why do I keep writing them? I'm so pathetic to think one day you'll read them. That would mean we're together again. Impossible. I have to get used to the fact that you don't care, or worse.

Yutaka. 

P.S: I'm sorry some words are not legible. 

**Author's Note:**

> When I first started it years ago, this was supposed to be the last part, but since the begining of the week I've been thinking about turning this into a mini fic. And this part is the last one I'm writing in the form of a letter, before a moment!
> 
> Thank you for reading this and see you next time! Maybe for Halloween if I decide to write something for that day like I did last year :D


End file.
